Covenanted with God yet depressed.

The first time I experienced this conundrum, it was very confusing. I was aware of the intimate relationship I had with God. The inner peace that surpasses human understanding was intact, yet there was also a gnawing emptiness that was there - a bluesy feeling I was trying to pretend wasn't there. I tried hard to focus on the fullness of Jesus to fulfill and complete me. Yet there was an aspect of me I couldn't pretend away suggesting the presence of Jesus wasn't enough. Or so I seemed to conclude from evaluating the situation.

The saga of Elijah at Mt Carmel and what ensued afterward appears to add some clarity to this.

1 Kings 18:20 - 19:9 Describes the experience of Elijah, from his mountaintop high to his valley low. 

18:22-25: Elijah has so much confidence in God that he dares to believe the impossible. To pray down fire from heaven. Nobody had done that (and nobody has), yet he was operating on a level of faith that believed in the accomplishment of this.

18:30-34: To add to the odds, he asked that the sacrifice be drenched with loads and loads of water. Not only was he going to pray fire to consume the sacrifice, but the sacrifice was also going to be drenched with loads of water.

18:36-39: He quietly prayed for God to prove himself as Lord. And God did. Fire fell from heaven and consumed the drenched sacrifice. The fire consumed everything, even the water!

18:41-44: Not only did Elijah pray down fire, he believed for a thunderstorm to pour. After silently believing and praying, a dark fiery thunderstorm indeed appeared from the horizon and poured down!

18:45-46: He did not only these incredible performances by faith, but he also received a supernatural endowment of strength and ran ahead of King Ahab's chariots!! That's a physical ability to run faster than the stellar breed of the king's horses pulling the king's chariot!

19:1-2: Queen Jezebel swears that if she doesn't do to him what he did to her false prophets which was to behead them, may the gods deal with her ever so severely. 

19:3-5: Something about her bewitched pronouncement struck fear in him. This was the incredible prophet who called down fire from heaven and led the slaughtering of 400 false prophets. Yet this incredible prophet was struck with fear and fled for his life. Not only was he now afraid, but he was also now tired and exhausted. And he prayed for death. He had become suicidal!

19:5-6: He slept! Sleep, rest, a place of solace is very necessary in the midst of psychological stress and trauma. Find a way to rest! Even the divine ministration of God in sending an angel to him was to feed him twice and allow him to rest. God did not tell him to remember when he prayed down fire and thunderstorm, or when he ran in front of a chariot. He simply ministered to him and allowed him rest. An expansion of his experiences might be that he had experienced a corresponding low. The suggestion might be with every incredible spiritual high experienced, give yourself permission to rest and come down from that high. From a mental health perspective, the takeaway is one can have a relationship with God and perform great acts or achievements of faith, and still get to a place of mental exhaustion, fatigue, and disillusionment. It doesn't mean the presence of God is absent. And the presence of God can actually minister what is needed for the individual. A misconception is the individual is weak, operating in a lack of faith or weak faith, or that they did something or sinned against God.

Episode 27 Discussing bipolar depression from a personal perspective

 

Episode 27 is discussing bipolar depression from a personal point of view. Follow Kenneth on All Social Media: Kenneth Tamara EPK: https://artistecard.com/kennethtamara Webpage: http://kennethtamara.blogspot.com/ Support: CashApp - $KennethInc PayPal - https://www.paypal.me/KennethTamara Music Credits: Sick Hop Beats YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/sickhopbeats Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sickhopbeats/

Episode 20 featuring JJ's Hello Foundation

 

Episode 20 is about JJ, a 12 yr old who committed suicide in 2016. JJ's Hello Foundation was created by his family to bring awareness to mental health, especially to youths. Connect with JJ's Hello Foundation Website: https://www.hellofund.org/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/HelloFund/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jjshellofou... Twitter: https://twitter.com/JJsHelloFund Podcast: https://anchor.fm/jjs-hello-foundation Follow Kenneth on All Social Media: Kenneth Tamara EPK: https://artistecard.com/kennethtamara Webpage: http://kennethtamara.blogspot.com/ Support: CashApp - $KennethInc PayPal - https://www.paypal.me/KennethTamara Music Credits: Sick Hop Beats YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/sickhopbeats Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sickhopbeats/

"When will this be" (Official Video)

 Official video to "When will this be" 

From the EP "Suicide was hope to me" Apple Spotify "When will this be" on Apple Follow Kenneth on All Social Media: Kenneth Tamara Website: EPK

My New Life (Official Lyric Video)

This song is from my EP titled "Suicide was hope to me". The project was songs expressing my journey from depression and suicide to salvation and redemption.

 "My New Life" was the song of redemption. It is my testimony and my story. I hope the video captures the essence of the song. 

Please like, comment, subscribe to my YouTube channel. And most of all, share it so it inspires and encourages someone else.

 

"Suicide was hope to me" EP

"Suicide was hope to me". A very bold title for an album. Yet it reflects the state of mind I was in. I am a 3 times suicide attempt survivor. The last 2 attempts left me in a coma for 5 days, and the final one had me experiencing an out of body experience, and drifting away into the here after.

Someone asked me to write a song about my suicidal frame of mind. I already have published 2 books about it, so I jumped on the challenge. "Suicide was hope to me" is an EP of 4 songs about my journey. It isnt about trying to make a popular or even acceptable kind of music. I just wanted to share the experience I went through.

WHEN WILL THIS BE

It starts with this song, which is a cry out for help. When will it be that I can find escape from the pain and confusion consuming me from within? Where is the hope and peace we all long for? Will I ever find it?

WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE

This song is more of a musical interlude, and it is a cry out from a point of nexus. I knew the distractions I was using to medicate the emptiness and loneliness within were not working, but I felt I had no alternative. What else was I supposed to do but cry out for help?

SOMETIMES

"Sometimes" is a conversation with Jesus. Even though I had a relationship with Him, I was still feeling lonely, depressed and even suicidal. This was me expressing my inner conflicts to Him.

MY NEW LIFE

This song is my song of redemption. Through all the gloom, doom and inner conflicts, somehow God brought me through and gave me a second chance at living. I have a new lease at life because of His grace

Shalimar - Behind the story

In the early 2000's, meeting a transexual was the rarest thing. They were mainly visible on campy daytime talk shows like Jerry Springer, etc. So meeting and "befriending" one, as a young Christian was completely out of my realm to process. Between trying to share my faith and the gospel message, and yet trying to understand and process it all, I was completely out of my depth. Coupled with the fact that all my insecurities and complexes came rippling to the surface!
"Shalimar" is this story. Available as an eBook on Amazon Kindle for $2.99. If the story touches you, please share with friends. If it annoys you, my apologies for bringing it to you. I know I might ruffle feathers on both sides, and that really isn't my intention. My intention is to share the learning experience I gained through it all

Here's the link to purchase my ebook at Amazon Kindle store for only $2.99 -"Shalimar"

Another casualty to suicide

I was really shocked when I read that Lee Thompson Young had committed suicide. I wouldnt say I was a fan of his, but I was impressed to see a young brother chasing his dream and being successful at it; and he appeared as regular and "normal" as any person you could meet. It hurt, even though I don't know him, because I could only imagine what inner demons and trauma he wrestled with that made him conclude that self annihilation was the only route to go

And of course, I empathized more, because I have been there. I know what it feels like to hear the seducing allure claiming death is the only solution; I know what it feels like for hopelessness, despair and despondence to be so overwhelming that the mind literally shuts down. I know the sweet promise of escape that's hoped for as one thinks of foolproof ways to do this. I am one of the lucky few who can say I attempted suicide three times, and failed (with side effects of a nervous breakdown, being a coma for a week, and hospitalized all three times).

As usual, everyone who knows him says he appeared like everything was going well and great with him, and of course he left no suicide note, so no one has an idea what internal horrors he was dealing with. But usually, isnt that what people always say? Most people weave up a well crafted facade to mask the turmoil brewing and seething beneath the surface, waiting to erupt.

"Lord, I pray for anyone who is reading this and is having suicidal thoughts, or is connected to someone having these, especially those who have mastered the art of presenting a perfect and sedate facade. I pray that your Spirit will minister to them in ways only you can. If you rescued me three times when I was blinded by my trauma and pain, I know you can do much more for thousands of others. Lord, I pray your Spirit will lead us to be more sensitive and discerning to the pains people are going thru, even when they camouflage it perfectly, and we receive the GRACE to minister to them in ways that will alleviate their pains - no judgment, condemnation, laws, religion or rhetoric, but the life saving and transforming power of the gospel, and the anointing that breaks the yoke. In Jesus name we pray"

Please share this post with friends, and anyone having suicidal thoughts or tendencies, please don't hesitate to send me an email - kennethtamara@yahoo.com

I don't have all the answers, but I do empathize and understand, and I know resources I could point you towards.

My story dealing with bouts of Depression

I have decided to share my personal experience with depression as a result of Pastor Rick Warren losing his son through suicide. My prayers and condolences go to him and his family and loved ones.

Personally, I have always had depression in my life, and I assumed it was normal for people to go through depression as that was all I knew. It wasn't until after my second suicide attempt which left me in a coma for 5 days, and in the hospital for a month, that I realized it was an illness.

Depression wasn't a feeling I had. It was more of a state of being. One minute everything would be okay, and the next, I would suddenly feel like all my errors, mistakes and failures (real and imagined) were center stage, and life had no more appeal. It almost was like a "woe is me" state of awareness. Typically I would stay in bed all day and daydream or fantasize about life until the wave subsided. Doing this as a child made me reclusive and a homebody. As an adult, I had learned to go with the flow, but there were moments when the pessimistic wave was just too overwhelming to ride, and I would try various routes to escape it - sex, drugs, etc. Sometimes it worked; other times it didn't. When it didn't and I got caught up in the tide, suicide was the next route. My life seemed to be a constant attempt at riding the wave of depression whenever it showed up, and doing everything not to get caught up in it. I even became skilled at knowing when it was looming in the horizon. I would immediately start putting my resources and escape plans in place so I could ride it out.
I know this sounds insane for anyone to think of annihilating themselves, but I'm just keeping it real and sharing my past. The first time the idea of suicide sprung in my mind, it was immediately rejected. But it kept coming back, and finally I entertained it. It seemed to promise an escape from an inner pain and turmoil that no one could understand or sympathize with. I couldn't explain my feelings like I can now because I was young and emotionally fractured then. Somehow suicide promised a bliss from an inner torment. I felt like I was a nuisance and a waste to this life, and getting rid of myself was doing this world and myself a favor. A completely twisted and demented processing of things, but in the throe of depressions pangs, it made perfect sense.

I am fortunate enough to have done 3 major attempts, and somehow lived to tell (with the scars to show for it). And I wasn't unaware of Jesus Christ either during the 3 times. So the question stems, how could I know that Jesus saves, and still opt for self annihilation? For me, when the cycle of depression showed up, it started with a loneliness and coldness inside. I couldn't connect or empathize with anyone, and I would withdraw into my alternate inner realm. Somehow it seemed even Jesus appeared not to understand what I was going through because the gloom and doom persisted even after praying and being prayed for. So I would withdraw from God too, and be a cold lonely and fractured child cowering in a corner feeling pity and hatred for my pathetic life. Then the seduction of suicide would show up, and after trying several times to escape it, I would eventually fall prey to it.

So how did I overcome this, or do I still struggle with it?
First of all, let me say that I did try medication and maybe I wasn't patient enough to go through the program to find the right dose for me, or maybe I just hated the "emotional zombie" state it put me in. Either way it didn't work for me so I rejected anti depressants, and opted to just have faith. This almost cost me my life twice! So I would advice and encourage anyone suffering from depression to keep an open mind regarding medication. Do not allow church folks to meander you away from meds with their dogma and rhetoric.
Anyway, I had to learn that just because I have Jesus in my life, and I am a demon-casting believer, it doesn't mean I won't have moments of gloom and doom. David said in Psalm 23 "Even though I go through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil". There has to be a knowing that regardless of how gnawing the dread and melancholy is, it is but a shadow - albeit an affecting one.
When those moments showed up, I had to meditate on the word and not focus on the state I was in. It was a hard thing to do. Some days, I would coil up in bed, crying and unable to open my bible, and all I did was call out "Jesus" over and over. I knew Proverbs 18:10 said "The name of the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous run to it and are safe". I also knew the Holy Spirit made intercession for me, so if all I could do was cry and moan and call Jesus, that was fine by me. That was my routine for a while, and it got me through some dire moments. Then I got more grounded in the word and knew how to speak the word to my feelings and my state of being. Sometimes, when I used the word to speak to those feelings, they dissipated; other times they didn't. But I had to learn that I am defined by the word, not depression and its mood swings. That knowledge is what kept me, and keeps me even to this day. I know my sanity and well being depends on the word of God, so I don't really have the luxury of not applying the word daily to my life. When David the psalmist talks about how the word is life to him, or brings joy to him, I completely understand. If there is anyone in the bible I identify the most with, it is David. I see a dysfunctional man, who had some deep deep moments of gloom and despair, and he learned to cry out to God, and to worship God through his moments, and depended on the word of God as the deer pants for the water brooks after being dry and parched from a ravaging thirst.

Do the "woe is me" feelings attempt to rise up once a while, of course. And that is why I am equipped with the word, so when moments like that show up, I can encourage myself in the word. Sometimes, it immediately breaks the feelings of woe; sometimes it doesn't, but I thank God that he has been gracious and merciful to me so much so that, I simply cast myself to him. Sometimes I may have to switch off my phone and just have a vacation with me, myself and I, along with my favorite movie, or cuisine, and I just chill by myself and acknowledge who I am in the word. Some people may find a different resource in dealing with their moments. Whatever it is, do it while embracing the presence of God in your life. And there is nothing to be ashamed or inferior about just because you have moments when you feel "woe is me".
Find someone to talk to if you have bouts of depression and you can't figure out how to process and handle it. And more especially, if you have idle fantasies about suicide, even if you believe you will never attempt it, the very fact that the idea is hovering in the periphery of your mind suggests you should talk to someone.
And for the accusers and stone throwers who say "just believe in Jesus and pray and it will all work out", or "quit being lazy and get over it"......just shut up. Have some compassion. Regarding Jesus, Matthew 12:20 says, "A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out". So if you don't understand, shut up until you do; don't bruise an already broken person.

God bless you all, and I pray this ministers life to whoever needs it.